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Photo of Capitol building courtesy of Kealan Burke.

While the Capitol Cops seem to have been taking a personal day recently, the Fashion Police are here to serve. And we will arrest you for a serious fashion crime.

Many of which came to my attention during this week’s disgraceful display. When planning to attend an insurrection, it’s very important to remember that there will be photos, and they will become multiply-shared memes as people on the internet argue about things like the definition of “coup” or the uselessness of the Electoral College. Please dress accordingly.

First of all, if you’re going to the coup, you’re not going to work, right? Let’s be honest, you called in sick to attend that violent takeover of the Capitol building. So if you want to remain employed and able to afford the latest in confederate flag merchandise, don’t wear your work ID badge to the insurrection. Leave it at home or in your ginormous, souped-up pickup truck that is absolutely not compensating for the size of anything else. …

As a young, poor, lazy snowflake, I greatly appreciate the heaps of books and blogs and Dave Ramsey DVDs out there to help me learn financial literacy. Since the rich have generously written so many tomes for pitiful slackers like me, it’s time I get off my pathetic ass and give back. So here’s my advice on Financial Literacy for Boomers, Silver Spooners, and the C-Suite Elite:

Take some responsibility, the world doesn’t owe you anything! If you can’t afford to continue paying all your employees in a recession, don’t lay people off — give yourself a pay cut. Can’t survive on half a CEO’s salary? May I suggest selling one of your helicopters, downsizing to a 100-foot yacht, or bringing a brown bag of ramen noodles for lunch instead of eating out? And remember, not all your sex workers have to be centerfolds! …

Hey, Covid-19 here, and I gotta set the record straight: Donald J. Trump, formerly my biggest supporter, is lying when he says he has me. Do you know why?

Because Trump is a hoax invented by Influenza to make me look bad! He’s not real! Influenza is just jealous because of how much I keep WINNING. I’ve been winning so much, I’m getting sick of it! JK! I’ve been told my puns make people sick, too. Can I get a drum roll? No? Well, anyway….

Not only is Trump a hoax, but I have it on good authority that he will miraculously go away after November 3. The cold, you know. Men with tiny hands fear it, trust me. …

The name is Bond. Pandemic Bond. My mission: To get my teeth cleaned.

For the past week, I’ve been getting untraceable texts reminding me of my appointment, and also, that there will be a $10 extra fee to “ensure we are able to take every precaution possible in keeping you healthy!” It also says they’ll bill my insurance, but I know Blue Crap Blue Shit Insurance isn’t paying their price-gouging fee so I guess that’ll be my problem.

I pull up to the dentist’s office and text the number, since this is the only way to gain admittance. They reluctantly buzz me in, then point from behind a Plexiglass screen to the newly installed sink in their waiting room. …

If 9/11 happened today, we’d never consider shutting down the airports and grounding planes. We wouldn’t take such a terrible risk of hurting the airline industry or the economy as a whole! Anyway, only like 3,000 people died on 9/11, that’s less than one percent of the US population, what’s the big deal? If other people die in future attacks, well, they should be proud to die heroes, saving our economy.

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If 9/11 happened today, not only would we keep the airports open and the planes flying, but we’d make sure not to infringe on anyone’s rights or freedoms by instituting cruel practices like airport scanners, X-rays ( don’t you know those things are almost as bad for you as 5G?!?), being patted down by airport security, etc. Those infringe on your Constitutional right to be free to do whatever the fuck you want, regardless of any harm it might cause others. George Washington totally wrote that down, I promise. Anyway, if you feel safe getting on a plane without walking through a scanner, then everyone else should feel safe getting on that plane with you. Those security measures should be optional. …

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Photo Credit: Geralt on Pixabay


I’ve seen your ads, and it’s clear I was born without the gene that makes you emote over the color of great-Grandpa’s eyes, or the financial heritage to take an expensive trip to whatever country was probably thrilled to unload my ancestors. But I am part of another huge market you’re ignoring: people who want to use their DNA to get rich.

You see, like many people born without a Koch brother looking out for my interests, I’ve always had a dream that my long-lost biological relatives would show up one day and be fucking loaded. No, I’m not adopted. I found out when I was eight and cried for a week. For years I’d refused to believe it, but one horrifying day I saw a picture of myself and my mom and realized I looked like her, and I can’t tell you how crushed I was. …

And by “you people,” I mean everyone who just figured out germs spread disease and handwashing helps. Hey, welcome to the twenty-first century. I’d shake your hand but you might have cooties. Vulcan Live Long and Prosper hand signal from six feet away instead? Cool.

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Okay, let’s get started. First of all, everyone new to handwashing — you’re gross, and you’re doing it wrong. Pro Tip: Do. Not. Touch. The. Faucet. Handles. To. Turn. The. Water. Off. I say this as someone who’s been an actual hand washing expert since childhood. At the age of five, I had an epiphany: If my hands were dirty when I turned the faucet on, and I touched the same handles to turn the faucet off, wasn’t I picking up the same dirt and germs I just washed off? …

Yesterday my dad was on the phone with someone at Sam’s Club, adding something to a pickup order. After they solved his problem, he proceeded to tell them what a great job they were doing and how essential they were for a good three minutes or so when they were probably busy. Honestly, I think those are empty words that waste a busy person’s time, and here’s why.

I spent years working in hell (retail). The only reason I don’t anymore is that the store I worked for closed and I was so much happier unemployed that I couldn’t bring myself to get another retail job. …

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Roll for industry! Playing as a Millennial, you’ll start with 0 XP and apprentice at Ye Olde College for 10,000 coin. Oh, that’s right, Millennials start with -$1,000 in coin. No worries, just get a loan at the Student Loan Cantina.

Five seconds after you graduate from your apprenticeship, the Cantina sends an angry orc to inform you, Boomer Joseph, and Gen Xer Phyl that your loans are due. Joseph spent too much celebrating his graduation and informs the orc he’s gone chapter 11, so the orc leaves him alone. …

At a recent debate Mike Bloomberg, who has run so many commercials I’m starting to think he burned down Sheryl’s she-shed to make room for his big head on my TV, claimed he was generously bankrolling the ads in order to rid us of the scourge of Donald Trump.

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Now, if you know me you know how much I hate Donald Trump and want him out of our damn White House. But that doesn’t mean I want to replace him with another racist, sexist billionaire who supports “stop and frisk” and won’t release his fucking taxes. …


V.R. Craft

Scifi & satire with a side of sarcasm. Author of Stupid Humans & Fail to the Chief.

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