I, Richard Milhous Nixon, have just realized that I made a terrible mistake in 1974.

Yes, I know, that was a long time ago, and I’m technically dead. Never mind the heat here, the wifi is great. Took me a little while getting used to this new-fangled internet thing, but I’ve learned so much that I now realize my greatest error: I never should have resigned after only one scandal!

In 1974, I was forced to resign after a small misunderstanding about a burglary at the Watergate building that I knew nothing about. Okay, a tape that I made revealed…

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Photo of Capitol building courtesy of Kealan Burke.

While the Capitol Cops seem to have been taking a personal day recently, the Fashion Police are here to serve. And we will arrest you for a serious fashion crime.

Many of which came to my attention during this week’s disgraceful display. When planning to attend an insurrection, it’s very important to remember that there will be photos, and they will become multiply-shared memes as people on the internet argue about things like the definition of “coup” or the uselessness of the Electoral College. Please dress accordingly.

First of all, if you’re going to the coup, you’re not going to…

As a young, poor, lazy snowflake, I greatly appreciate the heaps of books and blogs and Dave Ramsey DVDs out there to help me learn financial literacy. Since the rich have generously written so many tomes for pitiful slackers like me, it’s time I get off my pathetic ass and give back. So here’s my advice on Financial Literacy for Boomers, Silver Spooners, and the C-Suite Elite:

Take some responsibility, the world doesn’t owe you anything! If you can’t afford to continue paying all your employees in a recession, don’t lay people off — give yourself a pay cut. Can’t…

Hey, Covid-19 here, and I gotta set the record straight: Donald J. Trump, formerly my biggest supporter, is lying when he says he has me. Do you know why?

Because Trump is a hoax invented by Influenza to make me look bad! He’s not real! Influenza is just jealous because of how much I keep WINNING. I’ve been winning so much, I’m getting sick of it! JK! I’ve been told my puns make people sick, too. Can I get a drum roll? No? Well, anyway….

Not only is Trump a hoax, but I have it on good authority that he…

The name is Bond. Pandemic Bond. My mission: To get my teeth cleaned.

For the past week, I’ve been getting untraceable texts reminding me of my appointment, and also, that there will be a $10 extra fee to “ensure we are able to take every precaution possible in keeping you healthy!” It also says they’ll bill my insurance, but I know Blue Crap Blue Shit Insurance isn’t paying their price-gouging fee so I guess that’ll be my problem.

I pull up to the dentist’s office and text the number, since this is the only way to gain admittance. They reluctantly…

If 9/11 happened today, we’d never consider shutting down the airports and grounding planes. We wouldn’t take such a terrible risk of hurting the airline industry or the economy as a whole! Anyway, only like 3,000 people died on 9/11, that’s less than one percent of the US population, what’s the big deal? If other people die in future attacks, well, they should be proud to die heroes, saving our economy.

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If 9/11 happened today, not only would we keep the airports open and the planes flying, but we’d make sure not to infringe on anyone’s rights or freedoms by…

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Photo Credit: Geralt on Pixabay

Dear Ansextry.com,

I’ve seen your ads, and it’s clear I was born without the gene that makes you emote over the color of great-Grandpa’s eyes, or the financial heritage to take an expensive trip to whatever country was probably thrilled to unload my ancestors. But I am part of another huge market you’re ignoring: people who want to use their DNA to get rich.

You see, like many people born without a Koch brother looking out for my interests, I’ve always had a dream that my long-lost biological relatives would show up one day and be fucking loaded. No, I’m…

And by “you people,” I mean everyone who just figured out germs spread disease and handwashing helps. Hey, welcome to the twenty-first century. I’d shake your hand but you might have cooties. Vulcan Live Long and Prosper hand signal from six feet away instead? Cool.

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Okay, let’s get started. First of all, everyone new to handwashing — you’re gross, and you’re doing it wrong. Pro Tip: Do. Not. Touch. The. Faucet. Handles. To. Turn. The. Water. Off. I say this as someone who’s been an actual hand washing expert since childhood. At the age of five, I had an epiphany…

Yesterday my dad was on the phone with someone at Sam’s Club, adding something to a pickup order. After they solved his problem, he proceeded to tell them what a great job they were doing and how essential they were for a good three minutes or so when they were probably busy. Honestly, I think those are empty words that waste a busy person’s time, and here’s why.

I spent years working in hell (retail). The only reason I don’t anymore is that the store I worked for closed and I was so much happier unemployed that I couldn’t bring…

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Roll for industry! Playing as a Millennial, you’ll start with 0 XP and apprentice at Ye Olde College for 10,000 coin. Oh, that’s right, Millennials start with -$1,000 in coin. No worries, just get a loan at the Student Loan Cantina.

Five seconds after you graduate from your apprenticeship, the Cantina sends an angry orc to inform you, Boomer Joseph, and Gen Xer Phyl that your loans are due. Joseph spent too much celebrating his graduation and informs the orc he’s gone chapter 11, so the orc leaves him alone. …

V.R. Craft

Scifi & satire with a side of sarcasm. Author of Stupid Humans & Fail to the Chief. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01LYON1F2

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